Any one know any jokes?

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes

 

Robert, Jack and Tom come across a magic slide. The slide operator tells them when they slide down, whatever they shout out for is what they will land in at the bottom. Robert goes first and yells "Gold!" and lands in gold. Jack goes next and screams "Silver!" so he lands in silver. Tom looks down the slide and, being afraid of heights, closes his eyes and jumps, crying out "OH S***!"

 

Sand?

 

Close, but not quite

 

The cheeky young scamp is just playing with us

 

Which has just bought back childhood memories of our old collie called scamp. Lovely dog, a long time ago. Anyway, carry on...

 

You what! Who do ya fink you is 'alkin to!

 

You 'avin a larf at my expanse?

 

Nah...I've a lot of respect for you. Even if it is in a virtual capacity...and you've got weird hands!!

 

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


What do you call a cross between a Scotsman and a Red Indian?

Hawkeye the noo.


(Actually, I don't care if you've heard them a million times before...)

 

That's to demonstrate the size of Trump's hands compared to normal ones.

 

If nothing else, the English (and Scottish) have a sense of humour!!

 

Anyone for a game of football?

 

Ok, that's my two jokes used up, so I'll have to ask Google for help...


"Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?"

"My name is Paul."



Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."


There is nothing worse than child polio. No wait, there's women's soccer.


What is short and would be very disturbing at breakfast? Hitler.


I’ve no home, I haven’t got control, I can’t see any escape. Time I got a new keyboard.


“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”

“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”

“And smart, too!”


Q: What do politicians and nappies have in common?
-
A: Both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason.


Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp. The genie grants each of them one wish. The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted. The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted. The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…”

 

Only if I can dress up in pink.

 

Bit of a fib that though. They are not really my hands!

Not even my picture, found it on the web somewhere.

Mr. HandyAndy - Really

 

Years ago when the English used to fight the Scots over Hadrians wall, one dark night a voice rose up from the northern side. " I am alone Scot, send over ten of your best men." Ten men went over the wall, and five minutes later, the voice rose up again,, "I am alone Scot, send over twenty of your best men." Twenty men went over the wall into the dark night.. Ten minutes later the voice again shouts,, "I am a lone Scot,, Send over fifty of your best men." Fifty men went over the wall, disappearing into the night.. A quarter of an hour later, one of the fifty men crawls back over the wall,, hacked to bits with a claymore,,,,, and says,,,,,,,, "Watch out lads,, it's a trap, there's two of them."

 

What's green and smells of pork?

Kermit's finger.