Any one know any jokes?

Discussion in 'Just Talk' started by chippie244, Nov 12, 2016.

  1. wiggy

    wiggy Screwfix Select

    Someone just text that they wish wkds could be longer.
    I replied weekends.
    I don't think they got it.
     
  2. sospan

    sospan Screwfix Select

    Have you seen the new Corbyn Santa ? much the same as the original - old guy, grey beard, likes red, promises a lot and people laugh at you if you still believe in him ....
     
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  3. candoabitofmoststuff

    candoabitofmoststuff Screwfix Select

    I went to a zoo yesterday.
    I saw a dog.
    It was the only animal there.
    It was a shitzu.

    Regards,
    Cando
     
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  4. Joe95

    Joe95 Screwfix Select

    A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
     
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  5. philthespark

    philthespark Active Member

    A bloke walk's into a diy store and ask's for 2 bottles of meths,the guy in the store refuses,"look mate you're an alcoholic and I'm not selling you meths",the guy pleads and pleads,insisting it's for a diy job at home,eventually the store owner relents, "ok,but only one bottle" he tells the man, "cheers mate" replied the alcoholic,"don't suppose you've got a cold one".
     
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  6. Jord86

    Jord86 Screwfix Select

    I thought my new girlfriend might be the one for me, but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurses uniform, a French maids outfit, and a policewomans uniform I've got rid of her.
    She clearly can't hold down a job......
     
  7. chippie244

    chippie244 Super Member

    A girl walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre so he gave her one.
     
  8. Jord86

    Jord86 Screwfix Select

    A woman comes home early to find her husband in bed with a female dwarf. Furious, she screams "you basxxxx, you promised you wouldn't cheat on me again!"
    "For God's sake love," he says, "can't you see I'm trying to cut down?" :D
     
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  9. sospan

    sospan Screwfix Select

    At a Border Checkpoint five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

    Paddy, the officer, stopped them and told them: "It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four."

    "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorted disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.''

    "You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

    "You idiot!", the Englishmen replies angrily. "Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

    "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."
     
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  10. wiggy

    wiggy Screwfix Select

    Name a fish that starts with W and ends with W
     
  11. wiggy

    wiggy Screwfix Select

    WalthamstoW

    Its a Plaice
     
    Deleted member 33931 likes this.
  12. An Englishman is driving around Ireland in his brand new Merc feeling very superior and pleased with himself.

    He spots a local walking along the road and thinks it'll be fun to show off to a poor local what a successful English businessman is like.

    He pulls up alongside Paddy and the electric window slides smoothly down - he can immediately see that the straw-chewing yokel is impressed.

    "Would you like a lift in my new car, my good man?"

    "To be sure to be sure I would that", Paddy replies and steps in.

    Off the car whooshes, and the Englishman can't help going a little bit faster than normal as he really wants the local yokel to be impressed. Looking discretely sideways at Paddy, he notes with satisfaction that the guy is checking out all the controls and the fine finish of the interior and nodding his head at all he sees.

    "And what would t'is be for?" asks Paddy, pointing to a knob on the dash. "That, my good fellow, is climate control..." With this, the Englishman presses the button and Paddy is immediately engulfed in a cooling breeze. "Well, would you believe that - you've changed the weather an all an all!" he says with a stupefied grin.

    A few minutes pass.

    "And what would t'is be for?" he asks, pointing at another switch. "Oh that? That's chust the seat warmer..." he replies with a smug air; he presses the button and notes with satisfaction that Paddy is soon shifting his bum around in the seat, enjoying the warmth.

    "And what on earth would t'at be for?" asks Paddy, pointing down the front of the car's bonnet. The Englishman realises he's pointing to the three-pronged emblem standing proud on the front of his bonnet and is just about to explain what it is when he realises that he's now getting a bit fed up by just how stupid this guy is, and thinks 'time to have a joke at this yokel's expense'

    "Oh, that thing? Well, I'm glad you asked - that's the 'sights' for the car. Y'know, should I wish to run someone over... guffaw guffaw".

    "Well well - t'ats a fine idea to be sure..."

    The Englishman looks askance at the Irishman - he can't really believe what I just said, can he?!

    He spies a distant lonely figure walking along the side of the road about a mile ahead and decided to wind up Paddy; "Oh LOOK! Here's the type of person I just LOVE to run over! I rather fancy doing that NOW!" With that he presses his foot down a bit further and the car lurches forwards - Paddy can feel himself being pressed firmly back into the seat, but is otherwise impassive.

    The Englishman casts him a glance. Nope, he's as calm as anything. With a smirk and a disbelieving shake of his head at Paddy's gullibility, the Englishman presses his foot down harder. The rear tyres give a little squeal and the rear of the car squats down firmly as the car surges forwards even more swiftly.

    The fields pass by in a blur.

    The Englishman starts to sweat a bit as he realises he's going far too fast for the roads, but darned if he ain't going to give stupid Paddy a big bludy fright first - at the moment the bludy Irishman looks as calm as a calm thing.

    Ok, that's it - I'll show him. The Englishman grips the wheel tightly, grits his teeth and completely floors the pedal as he also begins to veer ever so slightly towards the kerb the fast-approaching figure is walking along.

    He looks at Paddy. BLUDY HELL - the guy now even has a smile on his face! How can ANYONE be so stupid! He surely cannot believe what I was saying! No - he's having me on. Ok, I'll show him...

    The tyres of the car are now scrabbling to get purchase on the grass verge and the figure walking along the road is getting closer and closer...

    The speedo needle taps against the max stop, the engine is screaming, the world is passing by in a blur, the car is beginning to buck as the rough kerb tries to throw it off line. But, when he looks at Paddy, the Irishman is still sitting there, dead calm with that same wee smile creasing his face. The Englishman cannot believe it!

    He looks back to the road; "OH MY GAWD!" he screams as the pedestrian is now filling his vision. He slams on the brakes, pulls the steering wheel hard away from the kerb and - THUNK! - there is the most sickening impact sound he has ever heard or felt in his life. In his rear view mirror he can see a limp body spiralling in the air and landing yards inside the nearby field.

    The car screeches to a halt - the Englishman is sobbing and wailing "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE WHAT HAVE I DONE? I THOUGHT I'D MISSED HIM!!"

    "Aye, ye ejit, you did - but I got him with the door."



    @@@@tumbleweed@@@
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2016
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  13. (C'mon - you were fed up with the one-liners... :oops:)
     
  14. Mr. Handyandy

    Mr. Handyandy Screwfix Select

    What are prostitute's favourite birds?

    They all like a cockatoo!
     
  15. joinerjohn1

    joinerjohn1 Screwfix Select

    A man comes home early from work to find his wife doing the ironing in her underwear, in their tenth floor flat. He asks her why she's ironing in her underwear. She tells him "It was too hot in here." Not believing her , he accuses her of having an affair. Looking out of the window he sees a man just leaving the main entrance to the flats. So incensed, he is, he picks up the fridge and throws it out of the window, crushing the poor chap to death. Suddenly the strain of lifting the fridge , causes the man to have a fatal heart attack...
    Anyway, up at the Pearly Gates, St Peter's checking the queue for Heaven. He asks the first chap what happened,, "I was just leaving the flats after visiting my best mate, and this fridge lands on me and Bang, I'm here." St Peter invites him in.
    He then asks the second chap what happened. He tells him, "I came home from work early and discovered my missus was having an affair, saw this chap leaving the flats and picked up the fridge and threw it out the window at him. " "The strain of heaving the fridge gave me a fatal heart attack, so here I am." St Peter invites him in..
    St Peter asks the next chap in the queue what happened.. "Well I don't really know." " I was hiding in this fridge."
     
  16. Phil the Paver

    Phil the Paver Screwfix Select

    A French man, a Italian man and a English are in a bar talking about making love to their wives.
    The French man says, " I make love so good my wife raises 2" off the bed".

    The Italian says "That's nothing, when I make love to my wife, she raises 4" off the bed."

    The English man chuckles "Is that it, after I finished making love to my wife, I wiped my old boy on the curtains, she hit the fuc*** roof".
     
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  17. "Doctor! Doctor! My willie is shaped like a rocket!"

    "Hmm, what does your wife think?"

    "Oh she's over the moon".
     
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  18. Rulland

    Rulland Screwfix Select

    Sign in chemist window.

    'Tampons reduced-for limited period only'
     
  19. koolpc

    koolpc Super Member

    Woman goes into Doctors and asks doc if he has anything to make her boobs bigger.

    He hands her some toiler tissue! Rub this over them 5 times a day he told her.

    She asks him how is that going to work?

    He replied that it did a great job with her butt!
     
    Joe95 likes this.
  20. Joe95

    Joe95 Screwfix Select

    I met a painter/decorator the other day. He was telling stories of his childhood years. He got very emulsional
     
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