A priest is driving along a road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. He asks "Have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The policeman replies "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says "Good Lord! He's done it again!" And another: A young guy was hired for the construction site, and the foreman thought he'd better keep an eye on him, he didn't look all that bright. As the morning's work went on, he noticed that about half the time, when the fellow took a nail out of his pouch, he'd throw it on the ground with a frustrated look. Interested, the foreman picked up a few of the nails the guy had thrown away...they were fine, nothing wrong with them. So he said, "Why are you throwing away half of your nails?" And the young guy said, "The heads are on the wrong end!" The foreman said, "You fool, just save them for the other side of the house!"
My wife's sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier. I was really frigged off... Then I thought, to be fair it was my fault for leaving them on.
A guy comes home and shows his wife his latest tattoo - A £50 note on his todger 'Why on Earth have you done that' his wife asks '4 reasons', says the guy 1. I like to watch my money grow 2.I like to play with my money 3. I like to have money in my hand 4. And the most important - next time you feel like blowing 50 quid, you can stay at home and do that
Picked up this bird in the pub last night, told her I was going to give her one in the kitchen, living room, bathroom and bedroom. She was well up for it, saying " Wow, you must have some serious stamina!." She seemed a bit disappointed when we got back to the caravan.
I went to the doctors today, he prodded and poked a bit and said I was paranoid, well he didn't actually say it, but I know that's what he was thinking.... WOI
A Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts f arting continuously. "Thats disgusting," shouts the girl. "Its the dog!," proclaims the guy. "Dont blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly!"
A young man is invited round to his new girlfriend's house to have tea with her parents. He's keen to make a good impression, but was on a bit of a bender the previous night, and his stomach was in turmoil. They all sit at the table, conversation is a bit stilted. He can hear his stomach giving it jib - and the unmistakable pressure building in his rear... 'Paaaaarrrrrrp!' He manages to keep the volume down, but the stench is unmistakable... Oh gawd, he thinks. The family members shift uneasily in their seats, one or two flap their napkins around to dispel the foul air, and he can feel his cheeks beginning to glow with embarrassment when, unbelievably, the dad looks under the table and shouts "Rover! For pity's sakes!" A few minutes pass - and then something else does... 'Pffffffft! Paaarrrrrp!' This smells even worse. "ROVER! What the hell!" the dad shouts again. 'Phew', thinks the young man again, close call... Later... 'Preeeeep! Faaarffff! Squeeeeeeeee! Parp!' The dad lifts the table cloth again; "FOR GAWD SAKES, ROVER, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE BEFORE THE GUY SH*TS ON YOU"
Chap from Bootle was in the pub with his mates and one said "Charlie, when you're having it off with your wife in the front room, draw the curtains because last night the darts team were watching through the window and you were a laughing stock". Charlie said "The joke's on them because I was away in Carlisle last night"
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