Any one know any jokes?

An old man walks into a high street jewellers with a gorgeous blonde and asks for a special ring for the lady. The jeweller says, "how about this one, £5000?" Old man says "no, I want a very special ring." So the jeweller pulls out a ring from a locked safe, £65,000. "Thats the one" exclaimed the old man, " Ill write a cheque now and when it clears on Monday we'll come and fetch it." On Monday the jeweller phones the old man and says "there's no money in the account!" "I know," says the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I've had?"

 

A new guy starts on the building site.
The foreman say work with me today.

During the day the new guy hears random numbers shouted out, 52, later 26, later 37. Several snigger's after numbers shouted out.

So he asks the foreman whats with all the numbers shouted out.
The foreman says, they are jokes. We number them so it don't take anytime up telling the jokes.

In the afternoon the new guy thought he would have a go, so he shouted 101.

3 guys fell off the scaffolding, 1 split his sides, the others larfed out loud.

So the new guy says to the foreman, so what was so funny about that?

The foreman said, they haven't heard that one before.

 

Two Irishmen are talking. Paddy says to Mick, "The doctor says I've got to be circumcised, and I'm a bit worried about it." Mick tells him he should be worried. "Why's that then?" asked Paddy.. "Well," says Mick,, "My parents had me circumcised when I was just 5 days old,,,,, and I couldn't walk for a year."

 

The mods deleted my joke, apparently it was 'unsuitable post'

 

Let's hear it then.

 

You gave a smiley face to it DA, lad gets birthday bike early!

 

Two atoms were walking down the street one day, when one of them exclaimed, "Oh no - I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" the other one asked. "Yes," replied the first one, "I'm positive."

 

They get worse.

What kind of van does an electrician drive?
A Volts-wagon....

 

Mine too. ?????? no worse then others on here.

 

That was a beaut...

 

And a few of mine mate. Perhaps I am unsuitable(y) disturbed but I think they need to develop a sense of humour. They are just jokes, after all.

 

Fed up with the rain here, & I've been thinking, just think if Screwfix bought LoveHoney...Our host have the perfect name.



Better remove that link,mods definitely won't approve, so just google Lovehoney

 

Something about a tool shop comes to mind

 

OMG!

Your going to get me banned!

 

I've just been through their site front to back and can't find a single product relating to honey, is it a misnomer?

 

Not more puns....

 

A husband and wife take the dog for a walk on a very cold day, after walking a couple of miles the wife says she wanted to go home as she had forgotten to wear her gloves and her hands and fingers were freezing cold, not to worry said the husband we can let Rover the dog smell your hands for a scent and then send him home to collect the gloves as he would be a lot quicker than us, sure enough the dog runs home and is back to the husband and wife within 10 minutes....no gloves, but the lodgers testicles hanging from his mouth.

 

And all of mine!