Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six. As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those." The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere. A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?" "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick. Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two" Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th." Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday. "Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday"! Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter..... The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year? Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me See? Not at all racist...
paddy and mick walking down the road, paddy has a bag with chickens in it, mick says, " if I guess how many chickens are in the bag, can i have one?" paddy answers " if you guess how many i have , you can have them both"
The Irish have joined NATO in the battle with ISIS, they sent three ship loads of sand and one of cement. They're planning a mortar attack.
how do you sink an irish submarine 2, give the captain a picture of his mum and a hammer and nail to hang it up,
There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all talking about their teenage daughters.The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked." The Scotsman says, "that's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says, "both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock." Zoo keeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for 500 pounds?". Paddy replies, "I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know. 3rd I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!" Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?" Billy says, "In the car." Paddy says, "That's the quickest way." An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house." "Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?" "Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!" A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman. So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles. "That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."
An old Devon farmer was leaning on a gate at the crossroads when a car of tourists arrived. The driver shouted "'scuse me George, which is the road to Sidmouth?" The farmer shouted "How do you know my name's George?" "I guessed" said the driver. "Well guess your way to Sidmouth then" said the farmer.
An Englishman was driving his new Merc around Ireland on holiday, feeling quite chuffed with himself. Sees Paddy walking along a road and can't resists stopping to offer him a lift, basically to show off his spanking new car. Paddy steps in and starts to look around the plush leather, wood trim and rows of buttons. "Well, well, this is the most amazing car I've ever seen, to be sure, to be sure. What would that button be for?" Flushed with pride the Englishman presses the button and Paddy's seat warms up. "Well, well - I neffer. That's chust wonderful that is, to be sure. And, what's that for?" asks Paddy, pointing at another control. The Englishman smirks, presses the button and Paddy receives a blast of ice-cold air from the air-con. "Well! Would you chust look at that!" exclaims Paddy. The Englsihman is getting a bit bored by now as he realises Paddy is just tooo easily impressed. They drive on. Paddy stares out the front; "And what on earth, can I ask, is t'at thing for?" The Englishman realises he's looking at the Merc's 3-pronged badge, standing proudly at the end of the bonnet. "Oh, that's just the badg... Um, actually, these are the car's sights!" he says, not expecting Paddy to believe him. "Whell, whell, whell. Sights? I've neffer seen one on a car before. How does it work?" The Englishman looks askance at Paddy - is this guy having me on? Is he believing me?! "Well, if I see someone on the road I don't particularly like, I just line up the sights on him and - biff! He's gorn." "Whell, that's chust wonderful, that is." The Englishman looks questioningly at paddy - is this guy swallowing this?! In the distance he sees a person walking along the rood side. "Here's one! I don't think I like this fellow. Watch!" The Englishman presses his foot on the pedal and the rear of the Merc squats down as the twin turbos burst in action and the car lurches forwards. The Englishman glances at Paddy. Paddy is sitting there quite calm. 'This is absolutely incredible', thinks the Englishman to himself, 'When's he going to show any reaction?!' A further squeeze on the throttle and the speedo needle scrapes 80mph - the car whoooooshes along, and the small figure in the distance is getting bigger. Glance - nope, Paddy is still calm. Un-bludy-believable. He floors it. The Merc is doing well over the ton and the walking figure is getting larger and larger. "Um, I'm lining him up in my sights!" says the Englishman, hoping to prompt a reaction. Nope - nothing. Paddy is staring passively ahead. "Almost got him!!!" says the Englishman with a tremor rising in his voice. He stares at Paddy - absolutely no reaction whatsoever - the guy is completely calm. The Englishman looks back at the road - to find the walking figure is now almost in front of the car. He pulls hard on the wheel and the car shudders and the tyres squeal - and 'THUD!', the most sickening noise he's ever heard, and he's aware of something red has covered the side windows of his car. He screeches to a halt; "OH MY GAWD! OH MY GAWD! I THOUGHT I'D MISSED HIM!" "Aye, you did - but I got him with the door." @@@@@tumbeweed@@@@@
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