“My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.” “Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one ...” “What do you call three members of Abba in a French slaughterhouse? Abba trois.” “I got ripped off in Ireland recently. I bought some cocaine from Limerick but the third and fourth lines were a lot shorter.” “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” “Hilary Clinton has shown that any woman can be president, as long as your husband did it first.” “I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.” “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.” @@@tumbleweed@@@
Once had a girlfriend who had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh, when I put my ear up against it I couldn't hear the sea but funnily enough I could smell the seaweed.