...burp...

Discussion in 'Just Talk' started by Deleted member 33931, Dec 1, 2017.

  1. Robin1972

    Robin1972 New Member

    I work in a factory now. I get up at 4 every morning!
    I've got tomorrow off though so I'm gonna have a lay in.
    I'll save for 5 years & then go off in a campervan somewhere :)
    I like the idea of France but ... I don't trust my driving. I'm just not used to doing things the opposite. I'd crash within the first hour.
     
  2. Ha ha - that sounds like a good plan.

    Keep us posted :)

    'Night.
     
  3. Robin1972

    Robin1972 New Member

    Night D A x
     
  4. longboat

    longboat Screwfix Select

  5. fillyboy

    fillyboy Screwfix Select

    Goodnight Mary Ellen, goodnight Jim Bob, Goodnight John Boy, goodnight DA's imaginary friend Robin,
    and goodnight Longboat, you little rascal you.
     
  6. Pollowick

    Pollowick Screwfix Select

    Reminded me of this:


    I went to my local DIY depot a couple of days ago while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your rear cheeks WILL fall off.



    Here's the thing. I had woken that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement’. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.



    Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off, my quest being paint and materials to finish the new decking. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a trolley and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.



    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot



    There I stood, alone in the paint and varnish section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which had only ever been recorded during the German gas attacks during the Great War. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned assistant turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.


    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor assistant, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!!


    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.



    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the toilets, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my bum is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, “What the hell! did it smell that bad when you ate it?”, then quickly left.


    Once finished and I left the toilets, reacquired my partially filled trolley intending to carry on with my shopping when another assistant approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to walk outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


    My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked, none too kindly, not to return.



    Home again without my material, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls.



    That evening I went to shop at a competitor’s store. I can't say any more about that as they are threatening to take me to court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.


     
    Sparkielev likes this.
  7. fillyboy

    fillyboy Screwfix Select

    I love that line, it could be the opening sentence of a romantic novel, or the first line on the screwfix forum of a decorating diy'er who's f'd up.
     
    KIAB likes this.
  8. Harry Stottle

    Harry Stottle Screwfix Select

    I know what you're up to DA, you're putting pictures of other people up there, you can't fool me.
     
  9. Damn. Correct.

    But Bannon and Moggs have fooled you.
     
  10. joinerjohn1

    joinerjohn1 Screwfix Select

    Pollowick, I hope you realise you have me in stitches here mate. Missus reckons I'm as mad as a hatter..
    Anyway, back on subject. About 4 yrs ago (working in a nursing home at the time) we got the dreaded norovirus in the home. I was as careful as the most careful bomb disposal expert making his way through a minefield at work. Washed my hands almost constantly. Was careful not to try and touch door handles etc. Went to darts on the Tuesday night, had a great time. Got home around 11 pm and the missus asked if I wanted a quick cuppa before bed. Just sat there and all of a sudden my mouth starts watering like it does just before the inevitable.. Runs through to the bathroom and it started. There I am on my knees chucking up into the bowl. Next thing I'm struggling to get my trousers down quick enough to sit on the toilet. So there I am sat for the next ten minutes spewing into the sink and filling up the toilet bowl with a watery mix. Almost instant headache from the almost instant dehydration. Took 3 days to start recovering from it. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (unless his name was Barnier, Junckers or Tusk) ;);)
     
    KIAB and fillyboy like this.
  11. Pollowick

    Pollowick Screwfix Select

    It still has me in stitches too !


    A few years back I was on a business trip to, of all places Delhi and a major airline was also involved. On the last night we had evening of entertainment, food, drinking &c and finally I ended up back in the crew hotel rather than my own. And then in one of two adjoining rooms with two stewardesses :rolleyes:. At around 4:00 AM they suggested I could stay over :D - use one room and they would use twin beds in the other however I declined as I had a 9:00 AM meeting. Got a taxi back and finally in bed by 5:00. Then, just after 7:00 almost on autopilot, I was up across the room, through the dressing room, and in the toilet - just in time! Did I suffer, and then I had a long flight home but with two excellent members of crew who looked after me. Something deep down must have told me - don't stay get back to your own hotel.
     
    Deleted member 33931 likes this.

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