Discussion in 'Just Talk' started by koolpc, Nov 3, 2016.

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  1. Rulland

    Rulland Screwfix Select

    Good morning Mr Koolpc, sorry to hear of your troubles, I'd never have guessed how you were feeling from your posts/banter.
    Any road up, negative thoughts are bad, so think positive, chin up, big smile, it may be a false one at this point, but over time it'll slowly turn into a real one:)
    And hopefully you'll look back on this glitch period and realise that life's too short, we only get one hit at it, grab it with both hands and give it a caning eh lad?:cool:
    Kind regards, Rich.
  2. philthespark

    philthespark Active Member

    Been there done that,got the T shirt, I was a real ladies man when I was in my late twenties and early thirties, I frequently had 3 women on the go! I ran 2 businesses at the same time and had a real ball,unfortunately my ex wife didn't like what I was doing (suprise) and that's why she became my ex.I became so convinced I could do anything and nothing could go wrong,I can laugh about it now I remember one client I was doing some work for on day rate,the job should have only taken a week but hey we ended up spending a lot of time in the bedroom and I was there for over a fortnight! I was so cocky that I invoiced her for all the days spent at her house,basically I charged her for the time on the job and the time in the bedroom,and she paid up ! Sadly all things come to an end and I ended up in a YMCA hostel,homeless and having to work for someone else.17 years ago I met a wonderful lady,slightly older than me but not much,we met on the 23rd of July and were married on the 27th of November the same year.I started to get things back on track but was hit with health problems,I suppose that's payback,anyway she stuck by me and we're happy.Keep going pal,it will get better just don't malke the same mistakes next time.
  3. Kools, man :(

    Simple truism - time is a healer.

    Of course, no-one actually believes that at the time; they need enough time to realise it is true.

    Ok, I guess there are some things are not fully get-overable (that's a real word*), but damage to, or even the break up, of a relationship - however long and successful it may have been at one time - is one that is.

    Or, is your marriage rescuable*? Do you want it to be? Does she want it to be? If you both do, then you are going to have to be mighty contrite for a loooong time. Be utterly open, admit your wrong-doing, declare your true regret over and over and over again. Take it on the chin. Take it on everywhere.

    If you both want to rescue the marriage, it's going to take a lot of time. And, once things have calmed down a bit - when your wife begins to accept your genuine regret and your true desire to work things out - then don't be sniffy about getting professional relationship help. Because a HELL of a lot of painful stuff has to come out, and honesty must be at the foundation of it. Jeeez - it's gonna be hell... :oops:

    Ain't going to be easy at all; what a pile of poo you need to carry for a good while (yeah, I'm going to lay it on thick) - guilt, loneliness, shame, embarrassment, loss of your usual social circle, perhaps the loss of some close friends, a knock to what was your 'meaning' in life...

    Ok, ok, I'll stop :)

    You ain't the only one, tho' - when you walk down the street, surely at least half of those you walk past will have/are gone through something similar to some extent. You are chust going to have to cope and wait for it all to ease - as it will do.

    Any kids? At times like this I hope the answer is 'no'... If there are, how are they taking it?

    (*Nah, it isn't).
  4. koolpc

    koolpc Screwfix Select

    We are still together yes. Only because of our child who is 9.

    Wife not kicking me out but don't know where to turn. Hate this life! Life at home horrible. No arguments etc just horrible.

    Wife is main bread winner too which is a pain. I did work but had to give it up as when child was born wife wanted to go back to work full time. I left work to look after child.

    Its very hard as if i left now i would end up on the streets. I wouldn't want anything from the wife as i don't want our child to suffer. We dont have a mortgage as we finished that about 12 years ago.

    Guess i have to weather the storm until child older and then i can leave.
  5. Rob_bv

    Rob_bv Active Member

    Mate, I know how you feel. I've been there and lost literally everything I owned including my self-respect. Suffered for a very long time with depression and nearly ended it a few times.

    But what I've learned is that the only ending is when you snuff it; anything in between is just a new chapter.
    Deleted member 33931 likes this.
  6. Ah, a child. And only 9.

    Man - you have some serious responsibilities here - and they are all to that child (although also a goodly dollop to your wife who you have wronged, whether 'driven' to it or not.)

    Very pleased to hear you don't argue in front of your kid, but - of course - she knows there's 'something wrong'. You job is to minimise this as much as possible - be as truly tolerant and reasonable and forgiving of any of your wife's moods as is possible - and be as kind and involved as you can (without allowing yourself to over-compensate by not guiding your child's upbringing properly - ie don't get caught in a spiral of spoiling her to 'compensate'.)

    You have seemingly committed yourself to remaining there and carrying on for the time being as you don't want your child to suffer - thank the lawd for that. That innocent 9-year old deserves nothing less - she is the priority.

    I'm also the 'househusband'! My wife is chust more capable than me at getting a decent job, and I also had the house to renovate, so that's how that came about (and - cough - remains...:oops: ) There's now't wrong with that - provided, of course, you are a good househusband and look after the place.

    Perhaps it's time, tho', to start looking at part-time jobs yourself? A bit of extra cash to the household, a bit of confidence-building for you (for everyone's benefit), getting back in to the loop should you both decide at any time that "You know what? I think it's time to part..."

    Not wanting anything from the wife should you split up is honourable - but misguided. You are a partnership, and if things were the other way you would provide for her. Of course whoever keeps the child has the lion's share, but there's no reason to be a martyr for the sake of misguided principle. I'm sure you'd also ultimately be looking to get back on your own feet anyways.

    Until then, be Mr Reasonable (but not annoyingly so... :rolleyes:). Ie - if there's a hellish mood in the air and your child is sensing this and becoming uncomfortable, then do whatever is needed to resolve it - from having a quiet word with your wife about reducing the atmosphere, to even taking yourself away - go for a walk/ go to a room and read/ whatevs.

    Any chance of repairing the relationship with your wife? Do you want to? Does she (even tho' she might say she doesn't)? If so, be more contrite - take the lion's share of the blame (without being too self-depreciating and dishonest - she can't be absolved of all blame if she deserves it...) - and try and make this clear.

    If it's 'hopeless', then I guess it's treading water time until your child is raised, and providing things don't deteriorate so much that it's better for your child if you leave. In which case, you'd better start getting 'back out there' a bit in the job, or even voluntary, front. You will meet more people and will will find outlets that'll reduce your anguish - and if you are doing voluntary work you will really boost you self-worth and esteem. (And 'voluntary work' doesn't have to be dull - I help out at the Sea Cadets, for example, so find myself helming a safety power boat during the summer ( :D ) and refurbishing them during the winter ( :( ) ;) .

    But your child is surely the only truly innocent party here, and should be your main responsibility and focus.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2016
  7. koolpc

    koolpc Screwfix Select

    Thanks people. Good comments from all. Appreciate the words.

    Yes, daughter is my right arm. My whole life!
  8. koolpc

    koolpc Screwfix Select

    You are all a great bunch of people (not grapes! lol)
    CGN likes this.
  9. Mr. Handyandy

    Mr. Handyandy Screwfix Select

    Prunes, most of 'em!

    Mr. HandyAndy - Really
  10. CGN

    CGN Screwfix Select

    Speak for yourself! :p
    Joe95 likes this.
  11. Phil the Paver

    Phil the Paver Screwfix Select

    I am getting old and bit wrinkled, but I'm hardly a prune yet. ☺☺☺
  12. BMC2000

    BMC2000 Active Member

    Put her in that conservatory of yours, she'll be looking for warming hugs in no time!
    KIAB and koolpc like this.
  13. Astramax

    Astramax Super Member

    You must be the Prize one then ;)
  14. jenkthebuilder

    jenkthebuilder New Member

    If your marriage was dead 8 years before why the hell did you not do something about it? Why stay 8 years?
    You must've been ripe for an affair. Same applies to your wife. What you mean is, marriage had a rift in it and
    now that rift is even wider. Man up - leave! Divide your assets and start again. This is the only way you're going
    to find true love my friend. While you're a part of a soul-less marriage you're doomed. Not surprised you don't
    feel optimistic, negativity must be ingrained by now
  15. They have a child.

    That's a good reason.

    Unless things have gotten so bad that to part is better for that child.

    It's the child wot matters.
  16. koolpc

    koolpc Screwfix Select

    100% true
  17. I'm very very pleased to hear that. :)
  18. facilities

    facilities Guest

    Koolpc, really sorry to hear about your troubles mate, as you can see plenty of good advice on here for you, would like to think you and your Mrs could rekindle the spark from when you first met, as you know your daughter is the innocent party here, and whatever you decide must be for the good of her, from your postings you have a great sense of humour and are a well liked contributor, I wish you all the best whatever you decide
  19. koolpc

    koolpc Screwfix Select

    Thank you.

    Yes, daughter is my life. Nothing else matters.

    Got to see how future unfolds. Wife and i do get on. But, no love for me at all. Been like that for years. No way was i ever going to desert my daughter because of these issues.

    No idea what the future holds. All i know is that i have got to keep it all together for my daughter. When she is older then maybe the wife and i will split. But, not until my daughter is much older and able to understand better. She knows mummy and daddy are 'out of love' She expects us to split. She is prepared but no way i want to put her through that. We both love her dearly and have agreed that she is more important than 'us'.
  20. chippie244

    chippie244 Super Member

    I can't say it any better than the above.
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