I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it ....
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
Wife asked me to take a load of her old clothes to the charity shop. I said "just Chuck them in the bin". She said "there are starving people out there who could make good use of them". I said "darling if they fit into your clothes, they ain't starving". Hospital said I can go home in a fortnight.
We are often complimented on how beautiful our three children are. I always reply with "yes, they've obviously gained the looks from their mother". Then mumble under my breath, "the fathers still got his".
I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......
The horse happened to be white. The barman said "We've got a whiskey named after you" "What, Eric?" The horse replied.
The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife. "Is this your wife sir?" said the officer. "Yes it is", I replied. "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer. "I know" I said, "but she's got lovely personality!"
Paddy was in a car accident and unfortunately was beheaded as a result. The police knock on Paddy's wife's door and tell her. The policeman holds up Paddy's head and says "Is this Paddy?" Paddy's wife says, " Well, to be sure it looks a lot like Paddy, but Paddy's about a foot taller."
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.
Wife says to me 'you are still doing that thing which really annoys me' I says...'what,s that' she says....'breathing'. Rs
My wife reckons she's got the body of an 18 year old, I told her to give it back before she stretches it.
Little boy to his father, "Dad, where does poo come from?" "Well son, food passes down the oesophagus to the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge, as 'poo'!" "Blimey," says the little boy, "so where the fxxk does tigger come from then?"