Discussion in 'Just Talk' started by WillyEckerslike, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. facilities

    facilities Guest

    I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his

    face light up when he opened it ....
    Deleted member 33931 likes this.
  2. facilities

    facilities Guest

    A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

    When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
  3. retiredsparks

    retiredsparks Well-Known Member

    My Grief Councelor died last week.
    She was so good that I didn't give a monkeys.
    Jord86 likes this.
  4. Isitreally

    Isitreally Well-Known Member

    Wife asked me to take a load of her old clothes to the charity shop.
    I said "just Chuck them in the bin".
    She said "there are starving people out there who could make good use of them".
    I said "darling if they fit into your clothes, they ain't starving".

    Hospital said I can go home in a fortnight. :p:p:p
  5. longboat

    longboat Well-Known Member

    We are often complimented on how beautiful our three children are.
    I always reply with "yes, they've obviously gained the looks from their mother".

    Then mumble under my breath, "the fathers still got his".
  6. facilities

    facilities Guest

    I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis

    tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for

    the show......
  7. longboat

    longboat Well-Known Member

    DA, and JoT, walk into a bar.

    The sticker 'Mind Your Head' had fallen off.
  8. fillyboy

    fillyboy Well-Known Member

    A horse walked into a bar. The barman said "why the long face"?
  9. WillyEckerslike

    WillyEckerslike Well-Known Member

    The horse happened to be white. The barman said "We've got a whiskey named after you" "What, Eric?" The horse replied.
  10. fillyboy

    fillyboy Well-Known Member

    The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
    "Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
    "Yes it is", I replied.
    "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer.
    "I know" I said, "but she's got lovely personality!"
  11. Isitreally

    Isitreally Well-Known Member

    They are far to shallow to hit their heads.:p:p
  12. joinerjohn1

    joinerjohn1 Screwfix Select

    Paddy was in a car accident and unfortunately was beheaded as a result. The police knock on Paddy's wife's door and tell her. The policeman holds up Paddy's head and says "Is this Paddy?" Paddy's wife says, " Well, to be sure it looks a lot like Paddy, but Paddy's about a foot taller."
  13. longboat

    longboat Well-Known Member

    DA walks into a bar.
    He's feeling a little hoarse.
  14. facilities

    facilities Guest

    Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering

    years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.
  15. retiredsparks

    retiredsparks Well-Known Member

    Wife says to me
    'you are still doing that thing which really annoys me'
    I says...'what,s that'
    she says....'breathing'.
  16. fillyboy

    fillyboy Well-Known Member

    My wife reckons she's got the body of an 18 year old, I told her to give it back before she stretches it.
  17. chippie244

    chippie244 Well-Known Member

    I thought that just put women off sex :eek:
    facilities likes this.
  18. fillyboy

    fillyboy Well-Known Member

    I see self employed people are £10 a week worse off since the budget.
    OK, 8 quid for cash.
  19. Jord86

    Jord86 Well-Known Member

    Little boy to his father, "Dad, where does poo come from?"

    "Well son, food passes down the oesophagus to the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge, as 'poo'!"

    "Blimey," says the little boy, "so where the fxxk does tigger come from then?"
    Deleted member 33931 likes this.
  20. fillyboy

    fillyboy Well-Known Member

    The man who invented predictive text died yesterday.

    His funfair is next monkey!

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