Is scrumping a real crime? I don’t think so, but the security guard at the Apple Store seems to think otherwise...
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote The Hokey Cokey, died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in … and then the trouble started.
Chatting with my mates in the pub, I mentioned that I still enjoy regular sex at 67 although I live at no 43.
A mate in the pub said "when you're having it off with the missus in the front room, pull the curtains together because on Tuesday evening the darts team were watching you and they thought it was really funny" I said "Well the jokes on them because I was away working up north last Tuesday evening"
Met this girl at a party; she said people called her Vivaldi. I asked, “Is that because you’re a brilliant violinist?” She said, “No, it’s because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi.”
I made my wife's dream come true when we got married in a castle, But you sure wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around during the ceremony.
My girlfriend went to the doctors; he told her that she mustn’t touch anything alcoholic... So she’s left me!
This lad's missus asked him, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic." I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge" "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane! She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Then she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!" So I told her to **** off.
My wife says I make love like an animal.............................................................................a sloth is an animal isn't it?
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