Oops!

Sad news from the Nestlé chocolate factory. A man was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolate. Apparently every time he shouted: “The Milky Bars are on me!” his workmates just cheered.

 

Teacher asks the class to explain how technology has changed over the past 20 years.
Claire says "My mum has a phone that can take and send pictures".
Brian says "My brother has a doorbell that shows him who is at his door and he can see it on his phone".
Then Little Johnny says "My dad has a bracelet that tells the police if he leaves the house."

 

Went to the Docs yesterday for a check up, guess what, he told me I was colour blind, talk about a shock it hit me like a bolt out of the orange

 

The other day i told 10 puns to friends to see how many puns got a laugh.


No pun in 10 did!

 

Oh my god!

 

vicar and bloke playing golf
bloke slices shot and says B****s missed.
bloke slices second shot and says B*****s missed
Vicar says...if you keep swearing God will strike you down.
bloke slices 3rd shot and says..B******s missed

Bolt of lightening kills vicar.....voice from the sky says B******S missed.
Rs

 

Just repeating here a storey the comedian told in our cricket club, it just tickled me, hope I can do it justice, and remember how it went. (Forgot to say it was part of a rant against social media) and it was about a small town called Irlam in Greater Manchester, our cricket club is about 30 miles from Irlam

So he said has anyone heard of Irlam Working men’s club, well I was warned not to do a gig there as the people are terrible and I would bomb, anyway I gave it ago and it was exactly as I’d been told, so half way through my gig I did something very unprofessional something I had never done before and walked off to boos,

Well I was so annoyed outside I took straight to Twitter criticising Irlam and it’s people.

Irlam is the pits

Irlam people are dirty and rude

Irlam smells

Never ever have anything to do with Irlam

anyway next day I was contacted by Twitter who have cancelled my account and reported me to the police.

Can I ask have any of you got an IPhone? well be very careful cos every time I typed Irlam the auto correct replaced it with Islam

 

Five blokes driving across the Italian border (pre Schengen) in an Audi Quattro are stopped by customs and issued with a fixed penalty.
"why" said the driver.
"there's five of you, and it's an Audi Quattro, Quattro means four" said the border officer.
"that's ridiculous, it's a five seater car, Quattro is simply the model, I demand that I speak to your superior"
Border officer: "well you might have a bit of a wait, he's dealing with those two blokes in that Fiat Uno".

 

Is that after dealing with the family of 4 in a Mini One or the single person in a 2cv , but what really confused him was the whole family in the Standard 8.

 

Welcome back, now behave and stay away from them nasty people.

 

That's no way to talk about SF Pete. .

Oh you mean the real nasty one, I'll try and not bite.

 

Isit......do what i do...see the avatars....and not read the message.
Same ol same ol.......you aint gonna leann nothin new.
Rs

 

teenage boy had just passed his driving test and enquired of his father as to when he could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son. “You bring your grades up from a ‘C’ to a ‘B’ average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about 6 weeks his father said “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible but I’m disappointed that you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said “You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve noticed in my studying of the Bible that Sampson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

You are going to love the Dad’s reply:

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To this the father replied “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went”?

 

Nah, they had transit vans in the Old Testament.

Joshua 2:7
And the men pursued after them the way to Jordan unto the fords...

But by the New Testament they’d swapped it for a single Honda.

Acts 2:46
And they, continuing daily with one accord in the temple...

 

They also used moterbikes. And the roar of Moses Triumph could be heard throughout the land

 

And Triumphs, car or motorbike!

James 2:12-13

Philippians 2:2 Accord

And who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

Samson -- he brought the house down (Judges 16:30).

 

That's one for the older memebrs.

 

Teacher tells the class to get out their pencils. Little Johnny replies " I ain't got no pencils". Teacher corrects Jonnie by saying "We have no pencils, they have no pencils, you have no pencils". To which little Jonny replies " Who has got all the pencils then?"

 

Standard 8!

Even before my time.