The joke thread

Discussion in 'Just Talk' started by BiancoTheGiraffe, Mar 14, 2022.

  1. bright_Spark

    bright_Spark Screwfix Select

    Ind spark likes this.
  2. A doctor is sent to a nursing home to test the minds and memories of the residents. To save time, she interviews them in groups of three. The first group she meets with consists of bazza-spark, @bright_Spark and @Ind spark.

    Turning to bazza-spark, she asks, “What’s nine times thirteen?”
    “That would be four hundred and six,” he replies.

    Without giving any indication that his answer is wrong, she turns to the bright_spark. “What do you think, sir? What’s nine times thirteen?”
    “That’s easy,” he says. “It’s Thursday.”

    She turns to the Ind-spark and says, “Nine times thirteen?”
    He answers immediately. “One hundred seventeen.”
    “Excellent,” says the doctor. “How did you get it so quickly?”
    “Simple,” he says. “I just subtracted four hundred and six from Thursday.”

    Tom Gunner, gadget man, Rosso and 2 others like this.
  3. Alan22

    Alan22 Screwfix Select

    A man who took an airline company to court after his luggage went missing...
    has lost his case...!
  4. Alan22

    Alan22 Screwfix Select

    My wife said I have no sense of direction.

    I just don't know where to turn.
    gadget man, Astramax and Ind spark like this.
  5. Mark DM

    Mark DM Screwfix Select

    Got a date with a girl who identifies as a wheelie bin.......mmmm....not sure if I'm taking her out on a Tuesday or a Wednesday
  6. Alan22

    Alan22 Screwfix Select

    Did you know that if you remove every vein and artery from a human body and lay them end to end..

    You end up in Broadmoor.
    Tom Gunner and Ind spark like this.
  7. Alan22

    Alan22 Screwfix Select

    For the missus' birthday this year I bought her a map of the world and pinned it to the wall and said she could throw one dart at it. Wherever the dart landed I promised that we would go on a holiday of a lifetime...............................I would like to announce that in October we'll be spending a fortnight by the skirting board!
  8. bright_Spark

    bright_Spark Screwfix Select

    Talk about a place going down hill, I was in Bournemouth for the political party conference and was surprised at just how rough it had gone. I went into a gift shop where they was selling advent calendars ready for xmas. I bought two of them for the kids. I gave them to my wife to wrap up and give them out on the 1st of December. She said I cannot give these out to anyone, When I asked why not. She said take a look.
    Half of the windows were boarded up.
  9. I told my wife I wanted to make a car out of spahetti, she thought I was crazy.

    Should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
  10. Bob Rathbone

    Bob Rathbone Screwfix Select

    Robin Hood was on his deathbed, only minutes of life left in him. All around were his trusted 'Merry men' led by Little John. With failing breath and a low voice, Robin called John over to the bedside, "John" said Robin Hood, "The end of my life is near and we need to decide where my earthly remains will be laid", John agreed and asked Robin how the place was to be chosen. Robin replied, " Bring me my bow and one arrow, I will shoot the arrow and where it lands I shall be laid to rest". John complied helping Robin to sit up in bed and they turned the bed to face the open window. With trembling hands, Robin placed the arrow notch on the bowstring and with his remaining strength, drew the bow and released the arrow, at this Robin Hood drew his final breath and died. In accordance with his wishes he was laid to rest where the arrow fell......... on top of the wardrobe.
    Tom Gunner, gadget man and Alan22 like this.
  11. Alan22

    Alan22 Screwfix Select

    It's been some week, I took on a handyman, first job I gave him was to take a big tin of paint and give 2 coats to the porch round the front of the house.

    He came back after an hour. "That's the first coat on - just waiting for it to dry. Oh, and by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Mercedes.

    FUNDIMOLD Active Member

    My girlfriend asked me if I could remember the name of all my sexual partners - in order. She's not talking to me now; I guess I should have stopped after I said her name.
  13. Rosso

    Rosso Screwfix Select

    You should try blindfold archery. You just don't know what your missing
    Tom Gunner, Alan22 and Mark DM like this.
  14. Alan22

    Alan22 Screwfix Select

    Bought my wife a new coat made out of hamster fur.

    Went to Blackpool and it took 3 days to get her off the big wheel.
    Tom Gunner and gadget man like this.
  15. Mark DM

    Mark DM Screwfix Select

    Missing someone is a terrible feeling... ask any sniper :)
  16. Alan22

    Alan22 Screwfix Select

    I’m having an affair with the district nurse.

    I think it’s a midwife crisis.
  17. Bob Rathbone

    Bob Rathbone Screwfix Select

    I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
    Tom Gunner likes this.
  18. Alan22

    Alan22 Screwfix Select

    I've just ordered myself brand new walking boots plus socks, new walking poles, a new rucksack, a thermal wooly hat and matching breathable waterproof trousers and jacket, a new tartan thermos flask, plus...

    Sorry.......... I'm starting to ramble!
    Tom Gunner, gadget man and Mark DM like this.
  19. Mark DM

    Mark DM Screwfix Select

    Told you a thousand times!... don't exaggerate
    Tom Gunner likes this.
  20. FlyByNight

    FlyByNight Screwfix Select

    I got banned for posting that before!
    Michael worock likes this.

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