The joke thread

Discussion in 'Just Talk' started by BiancoTheGiraffe, Mar 14, 2022.

  1. WildCat

    WildCat Well-Known Member

  2. Ind spark

    Ind spark Screwfix Select

  3. Ind spark

    Ind spark Screwfix Select

  4. sparky steve

    sparky steve Screwfix Select

    Ind spark asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…!”

    “Thanks, Steve” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”




    There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with – what do they do?

    They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
     
    quasar9 and Ind spark like this.
  5. WildCat

    WildCat Well-Known Member

    A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.

    "No, they went to town."

    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

    "No, he went with Mum and Dad."

    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

    The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bulls and £150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
     
  6. WildCat

    WildCat Well-Known Member

    A Rabbi, a Hindu and a Lawyer go to work on a farm. When it comes time to sleep, the farmer says he has only two beds available, so one of them will have to sleep in the barn.

    The Hindu is humble and says he will sleep in the barn and goes off. Five minutes later there's a knock on the door, and it's the Hindu. He says there's a cow in the barn and it's against his religion to sleep with a cow.

    The Rabbi is humble, so he offers his bed to the Hindu and goes out to the barn. Five minutes later there's a knock on the door, and it's the Rabbi. He says there's a pig in the barn and it's against his beliefs to be with a pig.

    So the Lawyer says he'll go and sleep in the barn. Five minutes later there's a knock on the farmer's door. It's the cow and the pig.
     
    Ind spark likes this.
  7. Alan22

    Alan22 Screwfix Select

  8. Alan22

    Alan22 Screwfix Select

  9. WildCat

    WildCat Well-Known Member

    A blonde was touring a farm and asked the farmer "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"

    "There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns" began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
     
  10. WildCat

    WildCat Well-Known Member

  11. Ind spark

    Ind spark Screwfix Select

  12. Ind spark

    Ind spark Screwfix Select

  13. FlyByNight

    FlyByNight Screwfix Select

    Give FlexJet a call on 020 3856 8151 and ask if you can borrow their AW169!
     
    Ind spark likes this.
  14. Ind spark

    Ind spark Screwfix Select

    I will o_O
     
  15. WildCat

    WildCat Well-Known Member

    An aeroplane is about to crash so a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

    She removes all her clothing and asks “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

    An Irishman stands up, removes his shirt and says “Here, feckin iron this!”.
     
  16. Mark DM

    Mark DM Screwfix Select

    Isn't there someone on the forum that has their own helicopter? ;)
     
    Ind spark likes this.
  17. Alan22

    Alan22 Screwfix Select

    I used to have one, it was a US Navy Sea King with a working winch and it came with an Apollo space landing capsule.
     
    Mark DM likes this.
  18. FUNDIMOLD

    FUNDIMOLD Active Member

    I used to have one but I couldn't afford to park it. I just tied it to a rope and let it hover till needed. ;)
     
    Mark DM likes this.
  19. WildCat

    WildCat Well-Known Member

    Henry and his wife Vicky went to a fair every year, and every year Vicky would say “Henry, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

    Henry always replied "I know Vicky, but that helicopter ride is 50 pounds -- and 50 pounds is 50 pounds".

    This year Henry and Vicky went to the fair again and Vicky said “Henry, I'm 80 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."

    Henry replied “Vicky that helicopter ride is 50 pounds -- and 50 pounds is 50 pounds".

    The pilot overheard the couple and said "I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 pounds."

    Henry and Vicky agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed the pilot turned to Vicky and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

    Vicky replied "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Henry fell out, but you know -- 50 pounds is 50 pounds."
     
  20. Mark DM

    Mark DM Screwfix Select

    I've got a big white circle with H in the centre painted on the lawn..... its the anticipation of who may turn up one day..... :)
     

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