The joke thread

A man and his wife and his mother in law went on vacation to the Holy Land!

While there, the mother in law passed away.

The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for £5000, or you can have her burried here in the Holy Land for £150”.

The man thought about it for a moment.

Then told the undertaker he would have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked why spend £5000
to ship your mother in law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land and spend only £150?

The man replied.

“A man died here 2000 years ago and was buried here, 3 days later he rose from the dead”!

“I just can’t take that chance!
 
sparky steve said:
A man and his wife and his mother in law went on vacation to the Holy Land!

While there, the mother in law passed away.

The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for £5000, or you can have her burried here in the Holy Land for £150”.

The man thought about it for a moment.

Then told the undertaker he would have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked why spend £5000
to ship your mother in law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land and spend only £150?

The man replied.

“A man died here 2000 years ago and was buried here, 3 days later he rose from the dead”!

“I just can’t take that chance!
Click to expand...
Frank Carson is still in the building. :)
 
Mark DM said:
I've got a big white circle with H in the centre painted on the lawn..... its the anticipation of who may turn up one day..... :)
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Now all you have to do is go up a ladder on a wet and windy day ! The medivac pilot will thank you for your foresight ! :eek:
 
A blonde signs up for helicopter lessons and arrives at the airfield raring to go.

She does her ground school and heads up in the helicopter with the trainer. She does well so the trainer decides to let her take the helicopter up on her own.

The instructor heads back to the tower and instructs her to take off and head to an area just outside of the airfield. She takes off flawlessly and is heading in the right direction.

All of a sudden the helicopter drops out of the sky and crashes to the ground.

The trainer, horrified, rushes to the scene of the accident. He arrives and sees the blonde pilot walking away from the crash seemingly unscathed. Flabbergasted, he asks her "Are you alright? What happened?"

She responded "It gets really cold up there and that giant fan really doesn't help so I decided to turn it off."
 
An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineering student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

“Where did you get such a rocking bike?” asked the first engineer.

The second engineer replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'”

The first engineer nodded approvingly “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
 
A man goes to church and enters the confessional. He says ‘Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one month since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.’

The priest tells the sinner ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary’s.’

Soon, another man enters the confessional and says ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.’

This time the priest asks ‘Who is this Fannie Green?’

‘A new woman in the neighbourhood’ the sinner replies.

‘Very well’ says the priest ‘Go and say 10 Hail Mary’s.’

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching, very shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and, whispering, asks ‘Is that Fannie Green?’

The altar boy replies ‘No, Father, I think it’s just the reflection in her shoes’.
 
A motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc, in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the motorist who demands to know what "AH" stands for.

The officer says "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an a** hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The motorist has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defence lawyer asks "Officer is this a copy of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds: "Yes, sir."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."

Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and hostile, sir."

Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes, sir.”

Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for a** hole?"

Officer: “Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”
 
A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is due to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

After handing him the keys, the sales man hands him a jar of Vaseline and says “if you want to keep the chrome looking shiny you will want to rub some Vaseline on it before it rains. It’ll stop the water from making spots and rusting the metal.” The guys thanks him and rides off to pick up his girlfriend.

The girlfriend says “in my family we have a weird thing where we don’t talk during dinner, in fact the one that talks has to do the dishes.” The guy thought that's odd but I’ll play along. They arrive at her family’s home and there are dirty dishes piled everywhere. In the sink, on the kitchen counter, on the floor, in the hall, on the stairs, dirty dishes just stacked everywhere.

Introductions are made and the family sits down to dinner where everyone falls silent. The guy thought, I could have some fun with this. He grabs the girlfriend by the waist, pulls her close, passionately kissing her. Silence at the table. He undresses himself and her, throws her on the table, and begins feverishly making love to her. Still silence. They finish, and the meal continues as if nothing had happened.

The guy thinks ok let’s see how far this can go. He grabs his girlfriend's mother, throws her into his arms and plants a big kiss on her. Dead silence. He grabs her, throws her down on the dirty dish covered table, and makes love to her as well. He finishes and not a word is said.

Just then he hears thunder in the distance. Remembering the salesman's advice from earlier he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the jar of Vaseline.

The father stands up and shouts “fine I’ll do the damn dishes!”
 
A Hells Angel chases a nerd on a moped. He easily catches him and runs him off the road. In desperation, stumbling and crawling to get away, the nerd grabs a discarded glass bottle and wildly chucks it at the Angel, missing badly.

But in a stroke of luck, the bottle breaks on a rock and a Genie appears. The Genie yells "Stop! If you spare this man's life I'll give you each 2 wishes."

The Angel agrees and says "I wish that any woman I wanted would find me irresistible." "It's done!" proclaimed the Genie and he turned to the nerd.

The nerd says, "I wish for the greatest motorcycle that could ever possibly be built - most futuristic - fastest - best handling." The finest looking bike, with features that seemed impossible appears before him.

The Angel says "I wish that all men would run scared from me when they see me, leaving their women behind". "It's done" proclaimed the Genie as he turned back to the nerd.

The nerd climbed up on his new bike, fired up the engine, revved it, then pointed straight at the Angel and yelled, "I wish that MF was gay!"
 
A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and face piercings. Later, the parents spoke to their daughter and confessed their concern. "Dear" the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mum" the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"
 
WildCat said:
A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and face piercings. Later, the parents spoke to their daughter and confessed their concern. "Dear" the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mum" the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"
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Are they now your in-laws?
 
FlyByNight said:
Are they now your in-laws?
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No. The truth is we used to borrow her parents' double bed when they were out.

For some inexplicable reason the girl mentioned to her mother that the bed wobbled and banged against the wall.

I became persona non grata and they bought a new bed.
 
A blonde heard that bathing in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 200 pints of milk.

When the milkman read the note he thought there must be a mistake, so he knocked on the door and asked "do you really want 200 pints or did you mean 2 pints?"

The blonde: "No, I want 200 pints. I'm going to fill my bath with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

Milkman: "Do you want it pasteurised?"

The blonde: "No, just up to my t!ts. I can splash it over my eyes."
 
Johnny is really excited to go on his very first date and goes round in his new car. When he knocks on the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Johnny.

Carrie's father asks Johnny what they're planning to do. Johnny replies politely that they will probably just go for a burger or to a movie.

Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Johnny, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.

"Yeah" says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Johnny's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs dressed up and announces that she is ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Johnny proudly escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
 
WildCat said:
A blonde heard that bathing in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 200 pints of milk.

When the milkman read the note he thought there must be a mistake, so he knocked on the door and asked "do you really want 200 pints or did you mean 2 pints?"

The blonde: "No, I want 200 pints. I'm going to fill my bath with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

Milkman: "Do you want it pasteurised?"

The blonde: "No, just up to my t!ts. I can splash it over my eyes."
Click to expand...
Benny Hill and "Ernie" live on. :)
 
A rugby player was sitting at a bar enjoying a drink. The door opened and a stunning woman walked in - tall, beautiful face, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure, sexy clothes.

She sat down next to him said "hi" and he said "hi" in return.

After a while she started stroking his hand and said "so, does that make you feel good? Have you felt this good before."

He replies "well yes, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."

Then she took his hand and pushed it against her top. "How do you feel now?" she purred. "I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"

He said "well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up-field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their full-back, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds until full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, took his hand from her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man, have you ever felt such a perfect ####?'

"I certainly have" he answered. "I missed the easy goal kick."
 
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