The joke thread

The 7 dwarves go to visit the Vatican. Doc goes up to the pope and asks "can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"

The Pope thinks for a moment. "No" he says "there are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican."

The dwarves chuckle, and Happy says "well can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The pope thinks for a second. "No, I don't believe there are any dwarf nuns in Europe."

The dwarves laugh a bit harder.

Dopey looks upset and asks "well can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in all the world?"

The pope takes a minute to think. He shakes his head and replies "no, I don't believe there are any dwarf nuns in the world."

All of the other dwarves burst out laughing and start chanting "Dopey ####ed a penguin! Dopey ####ed a penguin!"
 
Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner.

Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook a meal.

Husband: I know all that.

Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.
 
A hitchhiker was travelling through Scotland.

A driver stopped and asked “where you heading mate?”

“Auchtermuchty.”

"I'm going past there, hop in."

The driver had noticed the hitchhiker was wearing a hat made out of fox pelt so he asked "by the way, what’s with the hat?”

“Well, when I told my Scottish uncle where I was going he said “where the focks ‘at?”
 
A tourist is backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland and he stops at a pub to get a drink. The only other people in there are the bartender and an old man nursing a beer. He orders a pint, and they sit in silence for a while.

Suddenly the old man turns to him and goes "you see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands from the finest wood in the county. Gave it more love and care than my own child. But do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No."

He points out the window and continues "you see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands. Found every stone, placed them just so through the rain and the cold. But do they call me McGregor the stone wall builder? No."

Then he points out the other window and says "you see that pier on the lake out there? I built that pier with my bare hands. Drove the pilings against the tiding of the sand, plank by plank. But do they call me McGregor the pier builder? No."

"But you #### one sheep..."
 
WildCat said:
A tourist is backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland and he stops at a pub to get a drink. The only other people in there are the bartender and an old man nursing a beer. He orders a pint, and they sit in silence for a while.

Suddenly the old man turns to him and goes "you see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands from the finest wood in the county. Gave it more love and care than my own child. But do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No."

He points out the window and continues "you see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands. Found every stone, placed them just so through the rain and the cold. But do they call me McGregor the stone wall builder? No."

Then he points out the other window and says "you see that pier on the lake out there? I built that pier with my bare hands. Drove the pilings against the tiding of the sand, plank by plank. But do they call me McGregor the pier builder? No."

"But you #### one sheep..."
Click to expand...

As told by WildCat McGregor !
 
A stockbroker decided one day he’d had enough of stress and moved to rural Scotland. His cottage was miles away from the next one and he found the tranquillity relaxing, but just a bit too quiet.

After a few days he answered a knock at the door and before him stood a Scotsman in a kilt.

The Scotsman said "Since you’re new here, I want to invite you to a party at my house tonight”.

"Oh good" said the broker. “Will there be whisky?”

“Oh aye!” said the Scotsman. "The finest whisky in the world."

"Will there be music?” asked the broker.

“Oh aye! My parties are renowned for music and dance.”

"Anything else your parties are known for?”

The Scotsman smiled and said “well, they’re most known for the sex. Every sex imaginable that will leave your head in a spin.”

The broker's face lights up and he says “Oh man! I can hardly wait. How many folks will be at the party?”

“Just me and you laddie, just me and you.”
 
Jimmy has a ticket for the Scotland v Switzerland game. It cost £300, but he hadn't realised it is on the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!

It is at the Glasgow registry office at 2pm on 19th June. The bride's name is Nicola, she is 28, 5' 6" tall, a bit of a looker, and a good cook.
 
A Catholic, a Muslim and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have 4 boys, and my wife is expecting another" says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Muslim. "My 3 wives have 10 boys between them and one wife is pregnant again. One more son, and I'll have a football team."

"That's nothing" says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."
 
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