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The joke thread
- Thread starter BiancoTheGiraffe
- Start date
WildCat
Well-Known Member
After 10 years a wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test and finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife to husband: I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What's up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you remember, don't you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed the baby had soiled himself. So you said - Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.
So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
Wife to husband: I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What's up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you remember, don't you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed the baby had soiled himself. So you said - Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.
So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
WildCat
Well-Known Member
A policeman comes home from work early and finds his wife naked, and a pair of boots he's never seen before inside the door.
He starts running around the house. He opens the bathroom door, looks inside and says "No one here, so where is he?"
He goes to the kitchen, checks under the table and says "No one here, so where is he?"
He goes into the bedroom and lowers himself to look under the bed. From under the bed comes a hand with a £50 note.
The policeman snatches the money, stands up and says "No one here, so WHERE IS HE!?"
He starts running around the house. He opens the bathroom door, looks inside and says "No one here, so where is he?"
He goes to the kitchen, checks under the table and says "No one here, so where is he?"
He goes into the bedroom and lowers himself to look under the bed. From under the bed comes a hand with a £50 note.
The policeman snatches the money, stands up and says "No one here, so WHERE IS HE!?"
WildCat
Well-Known Member
A man and a woman get in an elevator.
The man asks "Where are you heading today?"
The woman replies "I'm going up to give blood."
The man says "That's good. Do you get paid for giving blood?"
The woman replies "£20."
"Wow" says the man "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays £100."
The woman looks angry and gets off the elevator at her level.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Therm ank" she mumbles with her mouth full.
The man asks "Where are you heading today?"
The woman replies "I'm going up to give blood."
The man says "That's good. Do you get paid for giving blood?"
The woman replies "£20."
"Wow" says the man "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays £100."
The woman looks angry and gets off the elevator at her level.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Therm ank" she mumbles with her mouth full.
WildCat
Well-Known Member
An accused man is in the dock in court.
The Judge says "you are accused that on 30th January 2024 you killed your wife by beating her to death with a hammer. How do you plead?"
"Guilty" said the accused.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "you dirty rat!"
The Judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "you are also accused that on 2nd February 2024 you killed your son by beating him to death with a hammer. How do you plead"?
"Guilty" said the accused.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder "you dirty rotten stinking rat!!"
The Judge turned to the man and said "I have already asked you to be quiet. If you continue with these outbursts, I will have to consider you in contempt of court. I can understand you feeling upset about these deaths, but what relationship do you have to this man?"
He replied "He is my next door neighbour".
The Judge replied "I can understand you feeling upset about these horrible deaths near your house, but you must refrain from any comments".
The man replied "NO, your Honour, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!!!"
The Judge says "you are accused that on 30th January 2024 you killed your wife by beating her to death with a hammer. How do you plead?"
"Guilty" said the accused.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "you dirty rat!"
The Judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "you are also accused that on 2nd February 2024 you killed your son by beating him to death with a hammer. How do you plead"?
"Guilty" said the accused.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder "you dirty rotten stinking rat!!"
The Judge turned to the man and said "I have already asked you to be quiet. If you continue with these outbursts, I will have to consider you in contempt of court. I can understand you feeling upset about these deaths, but what relationship do you have to this man?"
He replied "He is my next door neighbour".
The Judge replied "I can understand you feeling upset about these horrible deaths near your house, but you must refrain from any comments".
The man replied "NO, your Honour, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!!!"
WildCat
Well-Known Member
A man is ready to go home after spending time at his mistress's house.
However, he realized that he smelled of her perfume.
So then he went to a nearby bar, drank a couple of glasses of whisky, and headed home.
His wife met him at the door, smelled him and told him "You stupid idiot! You can spray yourself with woman's perfume, but I'll still know that you've been drinking".
However, he realized that he smelled of her perfume.
So then he went to a nearby bar, drank a couple of glasses of whisky, and headed home.
His wife met him at the door, smelled him and told him "You stupid idiot! You can spray yourself with woman's perfume, but I'll still know that you've been drinking".
D
Deleted member 320418
Guest
WildCat
Well-Known Member
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain..."
The nun agreed and a moment later 2 Military Police ran up and asked “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun pointed down the road and said “He went that way.”
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said “I can’t thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don’t want to be sent off to war.”
The nun said “I understand completely.”
The soldier added “I hope I’m not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of b###s. I don’t want to go off to war either."
The nun agreed and a moment later 2 Military Police ran up and asked “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun pointed down the road and said “He went that way.”
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said “I can’t thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don’t want to be sent off to war.”
The nun said “I understand completely.”
The soldier added “I hope I’m not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of b###s. I don’t want to go off to war either."
WildCat
Well-Known Member
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a prison officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”
The officer laughs and says: “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
The wife replies: “Rubbish! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months!”
The officer laughs and says: “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
The wife replies: “Rubbish! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months!”
sparky steve
Screwfix Select
My apprentice told me his password is:
MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHue
LouieDeweyDublin.
said he chose it because he was told his password had to contain 8 characters and at least one Capital.
MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHue
LouieDeweyDublin.
said he chose it because he was told his password had to contain 8 characters and at least one Capital.
WildCat
Well-Known Member
3 Scotland fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.
“I blame the Manager” said the 1st fan. “If he selected the right formation, we’d do better.”
“I blame the players” said the 2nd fan. “If they made more of an effort, we’d score more goals.”
“I blame my parents” said the 3rd. “If I’d been born in England, I’d be supporting a decent team.”
“I blame the Manager” said the 1st fan. “If he selected the right formation, we’d do better.”
“I blame the players” said the 2nd fan. “If they made more of an effort, we’d score more goals.”
“I blame my parents” said the 3rd. “If I’d been born in England, I’d be supporting a decent team.”
