The joke thread

The Scotland team are flying back home. They're getting a bit drunk and kicking a football around in the cabin.

The pilot is worried so he asks the flight attendant to deal with it.

The plane quietens down and the pilot asks the flight attendant how she handled it.

"I showed them the door and told them to go and play outside."

 

Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch when one of them says.

"I know that I'm going to have a boy."

The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them asks?

"OK, how do you know you're going to have a boy?"

"Well, the child was conceived whilst i was on top, so i’m going to have a boy.”

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says.

"Well, I'm going to have a girl."

"Okay." Said the other women.
"How do you know you're going to have a girl?"

"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom.
So l'm going to have a girl."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed,
until finally, she breaks down into horrible sobbing?

"What's wrong, what's wrong?"
The first two women ask with concern.

The third woman manages to stifle her sobs, and then says,
"I'm going to have a puppy!"

 

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman is shocked.

Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman).

Dog: "Yep."

Englishman: How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshman has look of total disbelief.

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”

Englishman: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Welshman is extremely shocked.

Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman).

Horse: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he feeds me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welshman looks totally amazed.

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welshman: "That sheep's a ####### liar!!”

 

@WildCat - I did not know you were a Welshman! Is your sheep called BaaaaaBra

 

“I built a school in the village, am I known as the man who built a school, no”
“I built a bridge, am I known as the bridge builder, no”
“I saved eight orphans from a fire, and no one remembers that either.”
…
“BUT THE ONE TIME I BUGGER A GOAT”

 

Customer: Can I ask you something about the menu please?

Waitress: Excuse me! The men I please is none of your damn business!

 

An electrician comes home to his wife after working a job at a multi-millionaire's house. He says to his wife “You will not believe this, but the house I worked at today had a golden toilet.”

She says “Really? I need to see this.”

So they drive across the neighbourhood and pull up in front of the huge house.

The electrician knocks on the door, a woman answers and the electrician says “I did work on your house today and would love to show my wife that golden toilet you have.”

The woman calls out “Dave, I know who sh^t in your tuba!”

 

that is so me

 

A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house, so she asks her husband "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom?" The husband says "Do I look like a plumber?"

Then she asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?" He replies "Do I look like an electrician?"

Growing tired she asks him "Can you at least mow the lawn?" Again he replies "Do I look like a gardener? Now leave me alone, I've got to go to work".

When he comes back from work, the leak is fixed, the light has stopped flickering, and the lawn has been cut perfectly. He turns to he wife and asks "How did you do all this?"

"You know fat Terry down the road, well I called him and asked him to do it for me." The husband grows angry and says "How much have you wasted now?"

"Nothing at all" she says. "Terry said he would do it for a chocolate cake or a b#####b." The husband smiles and says "He does like his cake, old Terry."

The wife replies "Do I look like a baker?"

 

as buzz lightyear said.....TO INFINITY AND!!.............er.... best get home early for my tea

 

Three men are chatting when the first says "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.
I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe wrench and a stopcock."

"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician" says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A wire stripper and a box of fuses."

"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse" says the third man.

The others stare, shocked and bewildered. "How can you tell?" they ask.

"Because" replies the third man "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A jockey."

 

A huge freshman decides to try out for the university rugby team.

“Can you tackle?” asks the coach.

“Watch this” says the freshman, who proceeds to dive at the biggest tackle bag and sends it flying.

“Wow,” says the coach. “I'm impressed. Can you run?”

"Of course I can run” says the freshman. He is off like a shot and runs the length of the pitch in just over ten seconds.

“Great!” enthuses the coach. “But can you pass the ball?”

The freshman hesitates for a few seconds. “Well” he says “If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”