The joke thread
- Thread starter BiancoTheGiraffe
- Start date
WildCat
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The Court has to decide the future of a 7 year old child. Wee Jimmy has been taken into care because his parents have a history of beating him.
The Court want to get him back within his family so the judge proposes he is placed in the care of his aunt. Jimmy gets upset and says his aunt beats him harder than his parents.
So the judge asks "What about the grandparents?" Jimmy protests and says his gran and granda beat him even harder.
Eventually the judge asks the boy who he wants to look after him. Jimmy replies "the Scotland football team. They can't beat anybody."
The Court want to get him back within his family so the judge proposes he is placed in the care of his aunt. Jimmy gets upset and says his aunt beats him harder than his parents.
So the judge asks "What about the grandparents?" Jimmy protests and says his gran and granda beat him even harder.
Eventually the judge asks the boy who he wants to look after him. Jimmy replies "the Scotland football team. They can't beat anybody."
WildCat
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Little Billy came home from school to find the family's pet rooster dead in the garden. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said "Dad, our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great" said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling "Dad, Dad, we almost lost Mum today!"
"What do you mean?" asked Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went upstairs and there was Mum flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming 'Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming.' If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
When his Dad came home Billy said "Dad, our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great" said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling "Dad, Dad, we almost lost Mum today!"
"What do you mean?" asked Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went upstairs and there was Mum flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming 'Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming.' If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
WildCat
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A rabbi and a priest wanted to go for a swim at the beach, but did not have swimming trunks with them. So the priest says to the rabbi "why don't we just swim naked, there's no one around."
The rabbi sees no problem with the idea. Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere a group of children appear on the beach.
The priest quickly takes his hands and covers his penis, while the rabbi uses his hands to cover his face.
Later the priest turns to the rabbi and asks "why did you cover your face and not your penis when those kids showed up on the beach?"
The rabbi responds "Father, I don't know about you, but my congregation know me by my face".
The rabbi sees no problem with the idea. Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere a group of children appear on the beach.
The priest quickly takes his hands and covers his penis, while the rabbi uses his hands to cover his face.
Later the priest turns to the rabbi and asks "why did you cover your face and not your penis when those kids showed up on the beach?"
The rabbi responds "Father, I don't know about you, but my congregation know me by my face".
FlyByNight
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At leaset Sunak did not lie about it ...
WildCat
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A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 20 years in the parish. The local MP and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the
dinner. However, the MP was delayed, so Father Patrick decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a really terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen money from his old parents and told lies in court. He had made false expenses claims and misused confidential information for financial gain. He had an affair with a colleague's wife, got his neighbour's 16 year old daughter pregnant, and gave his sister-in-law VD. He employed an illegal immigrant on slave wages to look after his house, took illegal drugs, had been arrested for public nudity, and viewed pornography at work. He shouted abuse at his staff, got drunk, and went round clubs groping men and women. He committed driving offences and blackmailed other people into taking the points."
"I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my flock were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as Father Patrick finished his talk, the MP arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our Father Patrick arrived in our parish” said the MP. “In fact, I had the honour of being the very first person to go to him for confession.”
dinner. However, the MP was delayed, so Father Patrick decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a really terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen money from his old parents and told lies in court. He had made false expenses claims and misused confidential information for financial gain. He had an affair with a colleague's wife, got his neighbour's 16 year old daughter pregnant, and gave his sister-in-law VD. He employed an illegal immigrant on slave wages to look after his house, took illegal drugs, had been arrested for public nudity, and viewed pornography at work. He shouted abuse at his staff, got drunk, and went round clubs groping men and women. He committed driving offences and blackmailed other people into taking the points."
"I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my flock were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as Father Patrick finished his talk, the MP arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our Father Patrick arrived in our parish” said the MP. “In fact, I had the honour of being the very first person to go to him for confession.”
WildCat
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A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and thinking there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey instead.
The priest figured that since he had the donkey anyway, he may as well go ahead and enter it in the races. Much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the Racing Post carried the headline: PRIEST'S A$S PUT ON SHOW.
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again the following week. This time the donkey won! The next day the Racing Post reported: PRIEST'S A$S CAME ON TOP.
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he told the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper headline that day read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S A$S.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal at once. The priest decided to give it to the nearby convent. The headline that afternoon read: NUN HAS BEST A$S IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted! When he came round he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey immediately. She found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for £10. The next day the paper headline stated: NUN SELLS A$S FOR £10.
A week later they buried the bishop, and on the day following the funeral the headlines read: PROBLEM WITH A$S RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH.
The priest figured that since he had the donkey anyway, he may as well go ahead and enter it in the races. Much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the Racing Post carried the headline: PRIEST'S A$S PUT ON SHOW.
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again the following week. This time the donkey won! The next day the Racing Post reported: PRIEST'S A$S CAME ON TOP.
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he told the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper headline that day read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S A$S.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal at once. The priest decided to give it to the nearby convent. The headline that afternoon read: NUN HAS BEST A$S IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted! When he came round he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey immediately. She found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for £10. The next day the paper headline stated: NUN SELLS A$S FOR £10.
A week later they buried the bishop, and on the day following the funeral the headlines read: PROBLEM WITH A$S RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH.
WildCat
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There are 3 dogs, a Chihuahua, a Yorkshire Terrier, and a Great Dane, in cages at the vets. The terrier says “so what are you in for?”
The Chihuahua says “my owner had a birthday party for his little girl yesterday. There were so many kids at the party and it was crazy. Some boys were chasing and tormenting me. Finally I lost it and I lunged out and bit one of the kids.”
“Oh my God, what are they going to do with you?”
“I'm going to be put down. What about you guys?”
The Yorkshire Terrier said "that’s terrible. I have something similar going on. My owner is good to me but his little boy tortures me every time I’m alone with him. Yesterday I was alone with the boy and again he started tormenting me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I just lost it and bit him.“
“Oh God, what are they going to do with you?"
“Same thing. I’m going to be put down today."
They turned to the Great Dane and asked him what he was in for.
The Great Dane said “Yesterday morning my owner went to work and left me chained to a tree in the garden as usual. The owner's wife came out, wearing a short dress and carrying a basket. I was watching her as she was bending over and picking vegetables. I couldn’t control myself. I broke free from my chain and I bounded up on her and before she even knew what was happening I mounted her from behind and stayed there until I finished."
“Oh my god what are they going to do with you!!??”
“I’m getting my nails trimmed."
The Chihuahua says “my owner had a birthday party for his little girl yesterday. There were so many kids at the party and it was crazy. Some boys were chasing and tormenting me. Finally I lost it and I lunged out and bit one of the kids.”
“Oh my God, what are they going to do with you?”
“I'm going to be put down. What about you guys?”
The Yorkshire Terrier said "that’s terrible. I have something similar going on. My owner is good to me but his little boy tortures me every time I’m alone with him. Yesterday I was alone with the boy and again he started tormenting me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I just lost it and bit him.“
“Oh God, what are they going to do with you?"
“Same thing. I’m going to be put down today."
They turned to the Great Dane and asked him what he was in for.
The Great Dane said “Yesterday morning my owner went to work and left me chained to a tree in the garden as usual. The owner's wife came out, wearing a short dress and carrying a basket. I was watching her as she was bending over and picking vegetables. I couldn’t control myself. I broke free from my chain and I bounded up on her and before she even knew what was happening I mounted her from behind and stayed there until I finished."
“Oh my god what are they going to do with you!!??”
“I’m getting my nails trimmed."
WildCat
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The woodland animals built themselves a public toilet.
All went well for the first couple of weeks. Then one morning as the woodland committee were inspecting the toilet, they found that one of the windows was smashed. They asked all the animals what had happened, and the rabbit said "last night the bear was taking a sh!t and the toilet was out of paper, so he grabbed me, wiped his a$$ on my fur, and threw me through the window."
So the animal committee repaired the window and life went on as before.
Then after another couple of weeks, there was another broken window. The committee asked all the animals what had happened, and the fox said "last night the bear was taking a sh!t and the toilet was out of paper, so he grabbed me and wiped his a$$ on my fur, and threw me through the window."
So the animal committee repaired the window and life went on as before.
Then after another couple of weeks, the committee found the entire toilet facility smashed to matchwood. They were dismayed at the wanton destruction and they asked all the animals if they had any idea what had happened.
"I might know" said the hedgehog.
All went well for the first couple of weeks. Then one morning as the woodland committee were inspecting the toilet, they found that one of the windows was smashed. They asked all the animals what had happened, and the rabbit said "last night the bear was taking a sh!t and the toilet was out of paper, so he grabbed me, wiped his a$$ on my fur, and threw me through the window."
So the animal committee repaired the window and life went on as before.
Then after another couple of weeks, there was another broken window. The committee asked all the animals what had happened, and the fox said "last night the bear was taking a sh!t and the toilet was out of paper, so he grabbed me and wiped his a$$ on my fur, and threw me through the window."
So the animal committee repaired the window and life went on as before.
Then after another couple of weeks, the committee found the entire toilet facility smashed to matchwood. They were dismayed at the wanton destruction and they asked all the animals if they had any idea what had happened.
"I might know" said the hedgehog.
WildCat
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A Yorkshireman's beloved wife passed away so he went to the stonemason to sort out her headstone. Being a devout man, he decided the inscription should read 'SHE WAS THINE'. The stonemason told him to return a week later.
A week later the Yorkshireman returned to inspect the stone. The proud stonemason brought it out and it looked fabulous, except the inscription read 'SHE WAS THIN'.
"It's missing an E" the Yorkshireman exclaimed.
The embarrassed stonemason apologised profusely and said he would fix it.
A week later the Yorkshireman headed back to inspect the stone again. The mason brought it out again. The poor widower inspected the stone. It said...
'E SHE WAS THIN'.
A week later the Yorkshireman returned to inspect the stone. The proud stonemason brought it out and it looked fabulous, except the inscription read 'SHE WAS THIN'.
"It's missing an E" the Yorkshireman exclaimed.
The embarrassed stonemason apologised profusely and said he would fix it.
A week later the Yorkshireman headed back to inspect the stone again. The mason brought it out again. The poor widower inspected the stone. It said...
'E SHE WAS THIN'.
