I have a new pastime

Winding up ignorant fools who post pitiful reviews...

Bought a kettle on Amazon a few months back, and posted a favourable 5* review since it turned out to be a pretty damned good 'tle.

Browsing t'other day and came across a one-star review for the same kettle. Had a quick look and decided the poster was a twit. So I replied...

His review: takes ages to boil...supposed to be rapid...you have to put lots of water in to reach the minimum mark...only bought it cos i had the matching toaster (bought for cheap in tesco sale)....and looks nice in my kitchen...it gets really hot...simply rubbish.. the one i replaced was older but better! just didnt match my kitchen!


My Reply: Blimey - are we talking about the same kettle?

"Takes ages to boil"? - No it doesn't - it's VERY rapid. It's hard to imagine a kettle being able to boil more rapidly - there is just no feeling of 'having to wait' at all.

"Needs lots of water..."? No it doesn't - when water first appears at the bottom of the gauge, there's enough in there for 2 mugs. You want less than this? Well, judge it yourself - you should be able to time how long it takes to put just one cupful in there - just over a second. One proviso - if you boil such small quantities of water, you must let the kettle fully stop 'simmering' after it's turned itself off BEFORE you lift and tip, or else you risk over-heating the element (that's why Russ-Hobbs and other makes have a 'minimum' water level).

"It gets really hot..." Hmmm. Yes, it is a thin single-skin steel wall, but tell me what the problem is; do you like to 'cradle' your kettle? Do you like to warm your hands on it? C'mon, man - it just ain't a problem; the outer skin will approach 'boiling point', so if you accidentally touch it you will go 'ouch'. But, will it 'burn' you? No, of course not - unless you are in the habit of keeping skin contact going for some bizarre reason. Clearly, if you suffer from numbness or other ailment which might make such contact dangerous, then you'll need an insulated kettle. But this kettle is perfectly acceptable and normal in the heat stakes.

"Simply rubbish"? You are entitled to your opinion. And that's what I think your review is.


His retort: well I think your comeback is rubbish and extremely rude! what you got to say to all the other one star reviewers? why dont u respond to each of those?

you clearly have not read my review, i am comparing it to a previous model...u dumb fool! i can post what i want where i want!

duh brain if you read the manual it says you have to put enough water for the first line mark, which IMO is alot hence takes ages to boil.

NOW dont bother responding with another useless 'rubbish' reply just cos your in love with this kettle...dude its ONLY a kettle...im sure if it messes up you can get one for a fiver from tesco ! seeing as your standards are not very high! ha!

My response: Hi Sandy.

Why did I reply to your one-star review? Because - as well as making a point - I knew it would be fun. I only underestimated just how much.

We've discussed the kettle. So let's now talk grammar...

You say my review is 'extremely rude' and yet you call me a 'dumb fool' and 'duh brain'. Look up 'irony' - it'll serve you well.

You say you can post 'what you want, where you want'. That's actually not true if you think about for a second; there are limits. And I would suggest some of your comments above approach them.

And when you do post 'what you like', you have to accept that others are entitled to respond - I have exactly the same rights as you do.

Except I say things sooooooo much better.

Please DO reply.

His splutter: thats what you think psychotic ignorant fool..u are being reported

dont mess with barristers

My final say: Better psychotic than deluded.

Pssst - let's see who's post they actually pull

 

Like it? You think I do this 'cos I LIKE it?

cough

I was researching 'notepad' type PCs for our local school and came across one of these one-star "RUBBISH" reviews amongst a majority of pretty positive and more measured comments. So that's what enticed me into answering these twits.

Ok, the kettle cove is only my second, but I've got plenty of time...

The 'notebook' guy was just as windupable as the kettle cove, and started spluttering and becoming quite rude - whilst accusing me of being the naughty one. I like it when they do that. I'm always careful to avoid making it too personal - just like on here...

The 'notebook' guy reported my posts, and promptly had one of his own deleted by Amazon. I can't remember if I replied with a ***snigger*** or not.

I have to say, this kettle guy got me worried when he announced he was a barrister.

I mean, would you like him representing you...

 

Big all, the anal in me has fine-tuned getting the right amount of water into the kettle for boiling. With the kitchen tap on full flow, one second equals one mug-full. So I just mutter 'onethousandandone' under my breath as I fill...

I love it when I make a cuppa for the whole family (inc out-laws) and line up 7 mugs and fill them all up exactly from the kettle. It really p****s them off...

"Wha-the-f..." "How d'ya do tha'..."

(Actually, they are more polite than that... )

 

'Kettle' guy has replied...

Him: "you so need to get a new hobby..i mean who the hell goes this crazy over a kettle??...i would rather them withdraw my review then me read your psychotic babble...in the meantime you are going on my ignore list"

Me: "Tsk, Sandy - you just haven't looked up 'irony', have you?

Who goes crazy? Clearly, you do...

I'm going on your ignore list?! Snigger - I know you will come back on here for another look ;-)"

 

Gadget man wakes up to having his knackers gently massaged by t'other 'alf... hmmmmmmmm...niiiiiiccccceeee