The joke thread

I think this is very appropriate for a an advice forum;

Dave buys a house identical to the neighbours, one day they're chatting and Dave says "When you wallpapered you're living room how many rolls did you get?" the neighbour says "Ten"
So dave gets ten rolls and gets wallpapering, and then he's a bit surprised to find he has four rolls left over.
Next time he sees the neighbour Dave says "Ive done my wallpapering but I've ended up with four rolls left over"
Neighbour says "So did I"

 

I gave up my job in the helium factory. I wasn't going to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

 

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize?

They say he was outstanding in his field.

I'll get my coat.

 

Vegans

One appeared. In a pub in Yorkshire once, sandals, corduroy jacket beard school master loud voice, the lot. Announcing to the world in general he bellows, “What’s for lunch, landlord!?”
“Wi ‘av pie n’ t’ peas, or ‘am sandwiches.” The landlord replies.
“And do you have a vegetarian option?”
Fixing him with his steady eye the landlord replies,
“Aye wi does.”
The radical vegan fails to take the warning and ploughs on,
“Well what is your vegetarian option?”
In the now silent pub, all the locals are gazing into their pints nodding in anticipationary approval. The landlord replies,
“Peas.”

 

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."

 

Another one to snigger over:

"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

 

Keep em' coming chaps..

 

Why did the Jelly Bean want to go to school?


Because he wanted to be a Smartie

 

What's blue and smells like red paint?









Blue paint!

 

Atheist man in the mountains on a walk runs into a massive Grizzly.

The Atheist tried to run away but trips and as he turns around he sees the massive bear towering over him.

Scared to death he cries out:

"God, please, i beg you, make this Bear a Christian!! Please!!"

Suddenly, the bear, drops to his knees, makes the sign of the cross and says:

"Oh God bless this meal i am about to receive"

 

A man goes into a barber, and as he's sitting there having his hair cut, the barber says "Excuse me, sir, your hair's going grey". So the man says "Well, get a bloody move on".

 

I was sacked from my job as an electrician at the prison service for refusing to repair an electric chair.

I told them it was a death trap.

 

What is Forrest Gump’s email password?
1.Forrest1.

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.


Got a PS5 for my wife!
Best trade I've ever done!


When you die, what part of the body dies last?
The pupils…they dilate.

 

What's brown and slides down the wall? Humpty Dump!

 

If you don't like dark humour don't read any further

The Smartly dressed man

There's this man who always wears immaculate blue suits, everyone knows him as the smartly dressed man, unfortunately he suffers a massive heart attack.

The undertakers get his body and prepares it for the funeral, and they invite his wife to view him in the coffin.

"Oh" she says "you've done a beautiful job, that's just the way he always dressed, absolutely immaculate, but there's a problem. Its the blue suit, its not right, he must be in a black suit for his funeral"

The undertaker says "Of course madam, we will get a black suit" she says "I don't care how much it costs, but it must be an immaculate black suit, I will pay the extra money"

A few days later undertaker reinvites her to view the body, she says "thats fantastic, he looks so smart in that immaculate black suit, it must have cost a £1000 or more, how much extra do I owe you?

Undertaker says "no charge madam" she says "but that's, impossible thats a £1000 suit, I insist on paying" undertaker says "there's no need madam, you see, a few days ago another man died, and he was wearing an immaculate black suit and the same size as your husband" she says "Oh now I understand why there's no charge, you just swopped the suits"

Undertaker says "No madam, we swopped the heads"

 

I used to work with a colleague whose nickname was "shagger". Now most blokes, though they might not admit it, would be secretly chuffed to have such a nickname.

But for some reason she would get really upset.

 

Lip Balm

The wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I accidentally gave her the super glue.She's still not talking to me.

 

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.

 

I phoned the local radio station today.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."
"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.
"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."
"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied....
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?"
"7" I replied