The joke thread

Dont believe ya

 

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them they can enter if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter.

St. Peter proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" She replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter shakes his head in disgust and tells her she's wrong.

St. Peter then asks the third blonde, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

 

He had his headphones on that's why he never heard them !

 

A priest and nun are travelling through the desert when their camel suddenly dies. They are stranded there distraught and sure to die.

Finally the priest looks at the nun and says “Sister, I have to be honest with you, being a man of God I have never looked upon the body of a naked woman and, as we are sure to die, I would like to see one before I go.”

The nun looks at him and says “Father, I have never seen the naked body of a man, and I too would like to see one before I die.”

So the nun takes off her clothes and the priest gazes at her in awe. Then he takes of his clothes and the nun begins examining him. Then she points at his penis and says “Father, what’s that?”

“Well you see Sister, that is the most important gift a man possesses, it is the giver of life.”

“Then stick it in that camel and let’s get the **** out of here!”

 

My mate just rang me and said he's got the big C ! I said oh god cancer ? No he says Dyslexia

 

Did you hear about the little Jewish boy who lost his pullover ?

 

Sean connery and Cilla are on Parky . Sean tells Michael that he always makes love 3 times and every time is better . Cilla hears this and after the show wants to sleep with Sean .
Sean agrees and they get a hotel room.
They make love and Sean needs a nap and asks Cilla to hold his W***y in her left hand and his b***s in her right . When he wakes they make love again and it's better than the last . Sean needs another nap and again asks Cilla to hold his privates. After the nap again they make love and it's even better .
Cilla has to ask if holding his privates is what helps ? Sean replies ( In a Connery accent ) No it's because the last time I slept with a Scouser I had my wallet nicked

 

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