The joke thread

Bloke goes into the docs . Receptionist asks what's wrong with him . Bloke says it's my itchy c**k . Receptionist is horrified and tells him to go away and not be so disgusting .
Bloke returns next day, the Receptionist asks what's wrong with you. Itchy foot he replied . Go straight in to see doctor now .
When he sees the doc he gets his c**k out and puts it on the desk . The doctor is horrified that's not a foot ! No but it's a good 10 inches .

 

I'm not saying I hate you Jack, but I'd unplug your ventilator to charge my phone.

 

Reminds me of that film with my ex mother in law in . Misery

 

Sometimes... whatever you do... is just not enough

 

Remember, if your wife says she'll be ready in ten minutes she will be..............
There's no need to keep reminding her every half hour.

 

She's taking a long time.

https://community.screwfix.com/threads/the-joke-thread.250807/page-33#post-2179396

 

Why was the history book always so nervous?

Because it was filled with too many dates!

 

The Duke of Athol was having a birthday party for his young son, so he hired a bouncy council house for the garden.

 

Went into a Tesco petrol station tonight and put some air in the tyres, last time I did this it was 20p, this time it was £1.00!

That's inflation for you.

 

It's medication time.

 

If Jack doesn't want to take his medication orally, I'm sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way.